Why?
by rachaelphilip
Summary: When Luna is babysitting her Goddaughter, Kaylie, the little girl is brutally killed by a bear - Kaylie as lost, and Lex, the dog, distracted the bear to save Luna, and is missing, presumed dead. With all the grief and horror she went through, and the guilt of failing to protect Kaylie, there's only person she can turn to - God. Inspired by the book "The Shack"
1. The Bear

I had a pretty average life.

My beautiful little cousin Kaylie was also my Goddaughter, and we were very bonded.

She was a cute, cheeky 5 year old who had me completely wrapped rounf her little finger.

Then one day, everything in the world changed.

Kaylie was sleeping over at mine one weekend - this was pretty usual, but that day, we were very bored.

All the chores were done, dinner had been eaten and there wasn't much on the telly.

My dog, Lex, and gorgeous Staffie X Patterdale sighed, also bored.

"I know!" I had suggested, "why don't we take Lex for a nice walk in the woods?"

"Yeah!" Kaylie jumped up, excited.

Lex had jumped up as soon as he heard the word 'walk', so laughing, I told Kaylie to get her coat on while I put Lex on his harness and leash.

That done, we were off.

For about twenty minutes, everything was great - Lex was allowed to have a very good run, and Kaylie had the time of her life trying to chase him.

More often than not, she would fall over and then laugh hysterically at herself.

I wondered if she began to do it on purpose.

I laughed - who cared? If she was happy, I was happy.

But then, I had a horrible feeling.

And awful shivery feeling down my spine, and every single hair on my body stood up.

Freezing, I told Kaylie not to move.

Being an obedient child, she stopped immediately and fell silent, sensing I was being very serious.

All at one, Lex came back, hackles up.

He growled fiercley at me, teeth bared.

Instinctivly I stood infront of Kaylie.

"Easy boy, its just me - what's the matter?" I breathed softly, trying to sooth him - this was completely out of character for him, as he was usually a very soft and cuddley dog who had never showed any sign of aggression.

The growling intensified and I tried my hardest to stay calm, a million thoughts racing through my head of him attacking us and having to have him put down.

I felt a lump in my throat at that horrifying thought.

The world had seemed to freeze, and I even forgot to breathe.

Then all at once, Lex lunged for the attack, and folded my arms around Kaylie, I braced myself.

But no pain came.

There was a horrifying explosion of noise as Lex began viciously attacking something behind me.

Almost too afraid to do so, I turned and looked behind me - and my heart almost stopped.

Lex was fighting a huge brown bear, at least 80 stone of solid muscle!

"Lex, leave it!" I screamed - he was only a pitiful 2 and a half stone, there was no way he could beat him...the scare tactic hadn't worked!

Where the hell had it came from? We lived in England! Bears were native to North America.

"Oh God please help us!" I pleaded, tears streaming down my face.

Lex yelped as the beat hit him with his huge paw, and I heard to Kaylie whimper, afraid.

All at once, the bear was attacking us!

"NO!" I sscreamed, trying my hardest to protect Kaylie.

But the bear, having being fighting Lex, was now angry and scared.

He grabbed my legs by his teeth and shook me like a rag doll, flinging me several feet away.

Agony surged through my legs and my side that I landed on, but all I could think about was Kaylie, and brave, brave Lex.

What seemed like from a million miles away, I could hear her.

She was screaming, utterly and completely terrified.

I had to get to her!

But my legs...no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stand on them, I would collapse straight away, physically unable to support my own weight.

"Please God, please help her!" I begged, now kneeling and desperately trying to drag myself to Kaylie.

Lex was barking, lunging, biting, snarling - but he couldn't stop the bear...I couldn't stop the bear...but the bear could stop Kaylie's screams.

I can still remember the moment of horrifying grief when she fell silent.

I knew.

I knew she was gone.

The bear was tearing her apart, and neither Lex nor me could do a thing to stop it.

"Oh God." I whimpered, in a state of indescribably, horrified terror, pain and grief.

The bear realised that Kaylie was dead, and turned his attention back to Lex.

He swiped at him, but Lex avoided, running back to tempt him - the bear fell into the chase, and they ran into the woods, snarling and barking and roaring.

Then, it was silent.

Terrible silent.


	2. Help

Snow began to fall around me.

Any other time, it would have been beautiful.

But now, my life was at serious risk.

I thought both my legs had been broken and I had maybe damaged my liver, so I could not get up.

My body would not allow me.

The adrenalin that was surging through me helped me cope wih the pain...just...but only if I didn't move.

One inch was enough to make me shriek.

But I knew I had to be quiet - I had no idea where the bear was.

I didn't even know where he had come from.

"God..." I whispered pitifully, "God please - please help Lex survive this...please help me survive this..."

I sniffed, my throat catching as I glanced at the body of my poor little goddaughter.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU PROTECT HER!" I suddenly shouted, engulfed with an absolute and terrifying rage.

My pain was almost non existant as adrenalin pumped through my viens, doubling or tripling in dose.

I dragged myself over to her and wept on her, furiously grief stricken.

She was 5 years old and had met a horrifying, painful death.

It was unimaginably unfair, and I cried bitterly for her, wishing I could take her pain that she felt - wishing I could take her death.

"Oh God, she was a baby! She was a baby!" I screamed through my tears, beyond hysterical.

I stayed for a long time.

A very long time.

My legs began to numb and common sense slowly began to fill my brain, through my grief.

I had to move - if I stayed here, I would die too.

I wanted to - so badly - but my family were already going to have to cope with losing Kaylie - why make them lose two family members?

So, I dragged myself towards a ledge, where I could only hope someone would see me through the trees.

"HELP!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, "HELP!"

I suddenly felt desperatly hopeless and burst into tears again.

"Oh God - Jesus - anyone! please, please help me!" I begged.

"Hey!" a man suddenly shouted from a distance.

I turned to see him - an eastern looking man in maybe is thirties - he started running towards me.

Relief flooded through every fibre of me.

"Oh thank you!" I prayed sincerely, allowing myself to bow down further as the man arrived.

"You need help! what happened!?" he asked me, crouching beside me and holding my back.

"It was a bear...and then Lex...and then - it got - oh God, it got Kaylie..." I stuttered weakly.

And then everything went black.


	3. Jesus

I slowly began to wake, and as I did, pain erupted through me.

I groaned, immediately clinging to my side, and then flinching more as my movement set off pain in my legs.

Tears flowed down and I shook as I tried to calm myself from the intense nausea I felt.

When I finally calmed myself, all the memories came flooding back and I actually was sick.

"Ohh Kaylie." I whimpered, head spinning.

I heard movement and jumped, startled.

"It's ok, it's just me!" the middle-eastern man I saw earlier said.

Emotions were all over for me, so I said the only thing I could.

"Thank you for saving me." I whispered hoarsely.

He looked me in the eyes.

"Any time."

Somehow, I believed him, and momentarily, I felt calm.

Then it all came back and I burst into tears.

"I couldn't save her!" I whimpered, grief and pure guilt surging through me like a cancer.

"Easy!" he whispered, holding me.

It felt so natural.

And it was exactly what I needed.

After many minutes of tears, I at last dried up, but the incredible, burning sadness refused to leave me, and I sighed out as I condemned.

"She's still there, all alone." I sniffed.

"No she's not - Sarayu has brought her here and laid her in a blanket of flowers and herbs." the man told me gently.

"What's your name?" I sighed.

"Jesus." he replied.

My head was not thinking clearly, and I assumed he literally was called Jesus - some people did call their children that, though secretly I found it insulting as a christian.

I didn't say that though.

"Is there anyone else here?" I asked.

"Yes, there is Sarayu and there is Papa." Jesus replied softly.

"I had a dog you know." I muttered, still quite dazed.

"Had?"

"Yeah...he tried fighting the bear - it chased him. Lex made him chase him to get it away from me."

I was suddenly overwhelmed by emotion again and grabbed Jesus' hand.

"Why is it that animals can have a better and more rightious understanding of love? Lex couldn't beat the bear, it was 40 times the size of him! But he made it chase him anyway! I bet he knew he was going to die! And he did it anyway!" I growled, suddenly furious with Lex's decision to die for me.

Then I got angry with myself for getting angry at his incredble, loving choice.

I calmed myself.

"I'm sorry." I apologised timidly, holding his hand again, "My emotions are all over the place - but I shouldn't act like that when you've saved me an brought me here."

Jesus smiled gently.

"It's ok Luna, really. I understand. Maybe Lex did not really die and survived somehow." he offered.

"It''d take a miracle for that - and I'm not inclined to believe in those at the minute!" I replied, unable to keep the anger out of my voice.

"Luna, the fact you are alive and here is a miracle. What if I had not been walking where I was when I was?" Jesus asked.

Shame built up as I realised he was right.

"I'm sorry." I apoligised again, "You're right. I'm just hurting so, so badly right now.

I sighed, and then the clocks finally starting ticking in my head.

"Hey - how do you know my name?" I asked.

Jesus grinned.

"Luna, how many people have you met called Jesus?" he asked.

"Just you." I admitted.

"Why do you think, moments after a horrifying incident and prayer, you are saved in the nick of time by a man named Jesus?" he pushed.

My eyebrows shot up.

"Wait - you, you mean? You're telling me you're Jesus Jesus? Like THE Jesus!?" I stammered.

He smiled softly, and this time looked much brighter and...pretty?

"Guilty as charged - uh, unlike back then, you know?"

I smiled - I just couldn't help it.

Then I got back to reality.

"Oh Papa - is Papa like er, The Father?" I enquired.

"Yes." Jesus nodded.

"So who is Sarayu?"

"She's the holy spirit."

"Oooohhh." I nodded, then grinned.

"Holy trinity is real then?"

"Very!" Jesus smiled back.

I sighed out, still pretty emotional.

The pain in my leg started to come back, but not as intensly - I realised it must have been the Grace coming off Jesus that was numbing it.

I sighed out longly.

"So - so -..."

Jesus grinned, immediately putting me at ease.

"I don't suppose you could pull out an old miracle and sort my legs and sides out could you?" I asked, a little shyly.

He grinned again.

"You know, I get all of my power from Papa - maybe you could ask her?"

"Her?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah - well, her and him - that is, there is no gender, just whatever form Papa is taking at the time. Today she's a woman, because a woman is more tender and gentle than a man. So until you're more at ease with Papa and require a paternal visage of him, then Papa is a her." Jesus answered, laughing.

"That's awesome." I couldn't help but say, shaking my head.

"Yep. Would you like me to ask her to come in?" Jesus asked.

Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with emotion and fear, and shook my head.

"I'm not ready yet." I whispered.

"That's ok." Jesus replied gently, "I understand. I'm sure you know how to get through when you are ready."

My heart almost stopped them, more emotions rising.

I had always believed in God and Jesus, and sometimes prayed - but I rarely went to church and wasn't exactly what you'd call 'devout' - honestly, it was all very awkard to me, so the thought of praying even in front of people made me anxious, let alone Jesus suggesting I prayed.

I swallowed, but didn't say a word.

Jesus understood - I knew he would.

"I'll let you rest." he said very gently.


	4. Feelings lead to prayer

I was too nervous to sleep.

Instead I lay awake, trying to get my emotions in check.

And boy did I have a lot of them...

Every few moments, I would get the horrifying image of Kaylie's poor body, covered in blood, and the raw bite of grief would overwhelm me.

I realised how terrified I was, and would often start crying.

Fear is a terrible thing to feel, and even though logic told me not to be afraid, all of my emotions were overwhelming me, as well as my pain.

After several hours, I was severely exhausted and knew I was in desperate trouble.

At last, my fear gave way.

"Ok! Ok!" I whispered, "I am scared! But I'm not stupid. Er...I realise that I need you..."

Tears welled up.

"This is hard for me." I whimpered pathetically.

I tried to control my breathing.

Then it came to me that maybe I could pray with Jesus helping me.

He helped me in the woods and was the one who suggested talking to Papa in the first place...I'm sure he would help me with this.

I swallowed and aimed the prayer at him instead.

"Jesus...I was er...could you - please help me?" I asked shakily.

My whole body shook in fact.

It didn't matter what I did, I just couldn't calm myself.

Whilst trying my hardest to be still, I noticed the door open and Jesus come in.

My heart began to hammer hard in my chest, and my breathing got out of control.

I was having a panic attack.

"Easy!" Jesus soothed, immediately pulling me into a hug.

He rubbed my back, and I relaxed into him, letting go of my fear.

"There isn't anything to be afraid of, Luna. We won't ever hurt you. We are here to help you through your pain and built a better relationship with you, because we love you." he whispered in my ear, making me shiver.

"I don't know why this is so hard for me." I confessed.

Jesus smiled gently.

"It's literally because you haven't allowed yourself to be close to us. That's not your fault - when you were a child, you were abused by different people in different ways. Terrible ways."

My eyes widened.

This was hitting home fast and old wounds were torn open.

I swallowed and closed my eyes, still hugging him.

I was struggling very hard to steady myself.

"So, you were unable to open up for a very long time. You always feel like you're going to do or say something wrong, when in fact, you won't - it doesn't matter to us how you appear, we love you anyway. We expect nothing of you except that you don't hurt others - but even if you, you'll be forgiven because of my gift to you. Do you understand?"

I nodded, humble and shy.

Jesus smiled again.

"Really, Luna, it's ok. Papa doesn't expect you to fall on your knees in worship. You couln't anyway, just fyi, your femur on your left leg is broken, and you've shattered your right one in a few places. Your liver is badly bruised and is trying to fix itself but at that rate, won't heal fully for at least a month or two."

I grinned - I just couldn't help it.

"See, like that!" I pointed out softly, "you literally have just been talking about falling on my knees in worship...but you talk so easily about it, like it's natural."

"Well it is to me. Literally, every minute, we have hundreds of thousands of people worshipping us. At any given moment, we are listening to the cries of their hearts, their pleas, their love, compassion. Their devotion - it is beautiful."

I could feel myself getting welled up again and nodded.

"Yeah I guess it is. You er...you said I am not expected to - you know...do the whole...worship...thing," I paused to catch my breath and collect my feelings, "but likewise you talk so lovingly about people who do...so if I was to - to do that - you wouldn't like...mind...would you?"

There - I had asked the most akward question I had ever asked in my life.

Jesus was grinning, but not making fun - he was amused but gentle.

"Of course we wouldn't mind, Luna, we'd love to see and hear your expression of love, because we are love, and so when you do, you are expressing our very being to us. It's amazing. What I mean is, you are not expected to do it. You're ok, and we want you to feel comfortable with us, not opressed."

My heart felt quite light, and I smiled a real smile at him, which he returned delightfully.

I nodded and sighed out, feeling better but still quite shy.

"Thank you for coming - when I asked I mean."

Jesus nodded, turning more serious.

"Yes - and I came for the very reason you asked - to help you pray to Papa."

I shrunk a little - despite the conversation we'd literally just had, I couln't help feeling nervous at the thought of seeing God, the Father.

I gulped.

Jesus was silent as I thought about what to say and how to say it.

Finally, I spoke.

"Can I hold your hand?" I asked quietly and childlike.

Immediately, he held his out.

Timidly, I reached out, and we connected on a highly spiritual level. He wasn't just holding my ha,d he was holding my soul.

Trying not to cry, I prayed again.

"Er...God? I um...I feel like I'm ready to talk to you now - if that's ok?" I whispered, holding Jesus' han tighter.

The door opened and a black woman swooped through the door.

"Well hello child! Yes it's ok! I love hearing you and I have been looking forward to talking back. How are you feeling? Well that's just a silly question - course your legs and liver are hurtin' you. come now child, come here!"

My mouth dropped open, and I was speechless.

Papa, God, Father, was extremelly friendly and loving - I liked her immediately.

"But my legs are broke." I stuttered dumbly.

"Not now they aint." she laughed - it was musical her laugh, and I couldn't help but grin.

Instictively, I truted her and simply got up.

I was dazed to find I was completely healed, and no longer felt any pain.

"Come her!" Papa repeated, holding her arms out.

How could I resist?

I allowed myself to sink into her arms, and was filled at once with a brilliant warmth and joy.

"You're amazing." I whispered.

It was all I could say.

I could almost feel her smile.


	5. The Garden

For many minutes, I refused to let go.

It was too wonderful.

Too comfortable.

I was more relaxed than I had been in years.

Finally, I was ready to let go, and only then did Papa gently release me.

She had waited until I was ready, and I appreciated it greatly.

I breathed out, unsure and timid, but happy and safe at the same time.

"Jesus, are you going to start dinner? The poor child is hungry, look at her!" Papa asked, looking me up and down.

"Of course Papa." Jesus grinned, laughing as he passed her and pushed her.

"Now hey!" she chastised playfully.

I could still hear him laughing when he shut the door, leaving us quite alone.

"How 'bout we go for a walk? You must want to stretch your legs?" Papa invited.

I nodded gratefully.

She smiled and waved her hand - at once, everything around me melted - the room exploded into colour and took the shape of a beautiful garden.

"This is beautiful!" I excalimed, overwhelmed at the incredible diversity of colours and flowers.

"Thank you honey, it's one of my finer works. Still needs plenty maintaining, but with plenty of love, it'll grow into something outstandingly gorgeous."

"It already is!" I praised, unable and unwilling to stop myself. I realised that the more I spoke with Papa, the easier and more natural it became.

She smiled so brightly, it literally radiated from her, and I almost had to look away.

Just then, Sarayu breezed up to us - it was the first time I had met her but it was obviously her as Jesus said it was only those three there, and the fact was, she moved like the air itself.

She looked - wavey?

But outstandingly beautiful - I actually had a strong urge to fall to my knees then.

"Greetings Luna, I am Sarayu. I am the holy spirit." she introduced herself casually, but happily.

"Hi." I muttered, eyes wide.

Papa laughed next to me.

"Oh bless this child, she is so shy!"

Sarayu laughed with her, and it was so magical and sweet, like a million birds singing in perfect harmony.

I actually let a few tears out, then attempted to hide them.

"Oh honey, there's no shame in your tears! They're beautiful!" Papa chastised me lovingly, wrapping an arm around me.

"Oh please let me collect one!" Sarayu begged, imploring me with her eyes like a child for sweets.

"Ok." I said, dumbfounded.

And she did indeed do that - got a little glass tube and collected my tears.

"There are many types of tears. Most from pain, but a lot from great joy too. These tears are of being overwhelmed by beauty. But those tears -"

she pointed to a small river in the garden, surrounded by black and grey trees, thorns and thistles, "are tears of deep hatred and loathing from injustice. When something is done so unfairly and cruelly, and there is nothing to do but weep about it."

I looked at the river sadly.

"You know, it's sad - the river and the bad plants almost ruin the garden - they look lost themselves mixed with the tremedous beauty of the place...but at the same time, they almost compliment the rest, to show just HOW beautiful everything else is." I observed.

Papa took my hand.

"I'm so glad to hear you say that sweetheart. Because this garden? It is your soul - and that dark river of trees over there is your heart. You are hurting so, so badly that it's simply feeding the trees of despair deep within you. But I am the master gardener, and I will help you to love and cherish your soul until it is whole again. But you are right - all of this mess and darkness just proves how beautiful and strong you really are. And the sadness will NOT win this fight."

I was shaking, holding her hand tightly.

Looking around, I could see what she meant.

But as I grew sadder from the realisation of what my soul looked like, the river began to flow into a terrible torrent, washing over beautiful trees and turning them dark and broken.

Fury engulfed me - I didn't want my soul to look like that! I wanted Papa to look at it and see how beautiful and clean and pure it was!

But the rage only made it worse - it flowed even faster and engulfed more.

"Luna, you are letting it win - only you can control this hideous demon that is despair and rage. Trust me, and calm yourself." Papa instructed me tenderly but firmly at the same time.

At long last, my common sense came to me and I realised Papa was right...of course she was right, she was God!

I calmed my rage down, and the effect was immediate. The river calmed and I laughed as little flowers began to bloom in my amusement.

The river didn't start to dry up though, and as I thought about it, it became clear that it never would - they were my tears, and nothing could - well, uncry them?

"God?" I whispered.

"Yes?" she whispered back.

"I want it to be clean." I confessed.

She glowed with warmth, overwhelming me a bit.

"I know you do - I do too. What shall be do about it honey?"

I shivered.

"I don't know." I lied.

"You can't lie to me honey." she informed me gently, and indeed I noticed some of the flowers turned into a horrible, deep black, and sprouted sharp thorns.

It hurt me bitterly.

"What happened!" I cried.

"Your lie is a dark stain in your soul, Luna. Even a little evasive lie can do damage." Sarayu explained.

I was ashamed.

"I'm sorry." I whispered timidly, taking Papa's hand.

"It's ok honey." she smiled, and all at once the dark flowers burst into a beautiful show of reds and purples and all sorts of amazing colours!

"Hey, its healing!" I excalimed, excited.

"That's right - with forgiveness does come healing - and redemption." Papa informed me softly.

I looked over and noticed a horrifyinly ugly place, and it made me gasp just by looking at it.

"If this river is my tears of pain, then what is that area over there?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"That is the result of your sins. Your darkest secrets. Your most shameful moments - all together, blackening your very being." Papa answered me honestly, with a hint of real sadness.

I went red from shame and embarresment and shook my head.

Then I noticed something else.

A large fence going around the ugly area, high and with barbed wire.

It filled me with a very strange feeling - it was horrifyingly bad but good at the same time, and I began to really shake.

"What's the fence?" I whispered.

Papa sighed.

"That was an amazing gift, Luna. It doesn't stop the sins or shame, but it does hide them - so that they can't damage your entire soul, but only part of it." she explained.

I looked down.

"How can I stand to know that you can see my soul in this state?" I asked pitifully, though it hurt to even ask such a thing.

Papa was gentle in her response.

"Every human on Earth has these dark parts, but that is why the fence is there - to stop it consuming you. But you are always aware that it is there - that's shame, honey - and it gives you the gift of reconciling with me and wiping away the shame and the sins."

This time I let my tears fall without worrying about them.

"This - this er...wall...you said it was a gift?" I choked out.

Papa nodded.

"A very, very powerful one, given 2000 years ago." she confirmed.

I breathed out, looking down.

I didn't know how to say what was in my heart.

Then, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"What's in your heart is already what is in mine, Luna. He's sitting on the peer." Papa informed me gently.

I nodded, and hugged her - I just couldn't help it.

"You know I have a soul too - a garden - that is what Eden is. But even I have dark areas that can only be healed when I reconcile with someone who feels I have hurt them - when THEY forgive ME."

"Maybe after I've talked to him, we can work on - on some gardening?" I whispered.

"That's sounds good to me." she whispered back.


	6. Jesus on the peer

I breathed out and nodded slowly, looking toward the peer.

Papa patted my shoulder to say it was ok, so I slowly made my way.

I felt nervous, but excited at the same time - it was strange.

He was indeed sitting there.

I looked back behind me and discovered Papa and Sarayu had vanished, leaving us alone.

Collecting more courage, I pressed onwards.

At last I reached him, and I saw that he had a knowing look in his eyes, and he smiled up at me.

I couldn't help but smile back, putting me more at ease.

"Jesus? Would it er...be ok if I joined you?" I asked a little timidly.

He smiled even wider.

"Of course." he nodded kindly.

Grinning, but still feeling timid, I sat next to him.

"You know the sun is going down - in just a few moments, all the stars will be out - perhaps we could sit quietly until then, just enjoying the sunset?" he offered.

That idea sounded fantastic, and I nodded readily.

He smiled again and we fell silent.

The sunset truly was beautiful.

The whole sky turned into a bright orange, turning into purple, and finally black, littered with stars.

"This is incredible." I stated, in wonder.

"Thanks." he replied, and I could almost feel the smile.

Grinning, I shook my head.

"Hey Jesus?" I started.

"Yes?"

"I wanted to uh...to - ask something."

"What is it?"

I paused momentarily, watching some shooting stars.

"How much...like effort...did you put in to it all?" I asked, thinking about the billions and billions of stars, and planets, and systems, and then the life on Earth.

"Ohh and whole lot - it took us millions of what you'd call years, just planning everything, and clearly even then it wasn't perfect. But, I think it's good." he answered thoughtfully.

"I do too. Even though there's...bad in it..."

Now, I felt guilty, thinking og the ugly dark place in my garden.

"Was that your only question?" Jesus prodded me, though I could tell he was being gentle about it.

"No...uh...Papa's really nice isn't she?"

"Oh she's the best." he agreed.

I sighed.

"Do you never get sick? Of people coming and wrecking everything, and ruining their gardens? Ruining all that great work?"

Jesus shook his head.

"No. It hurts, don't get me wrong, but forgiveness and reconcilation heals the gardens and makes is possible to continue a good relationship."

"You made that possible." I stated, heart hammering.

He nodded thoughtfully.

"Yeah."

I looked down, feeling a little afraid of where this was headed.

"Don't be scared Luna, there is nothing to fear of me." Jesus comforted me, reaching over and taking my hand.

I sighed, annoyed at how hard it was for me.

"Jesus...you...you really did die on the cross?" I asked bravely.

"Yes, I did." he confirmed, his voice now very soft.

I thought for a moment, all sorts of dark images crossing my mind.

"You must have been in so much pain...I can't even fathom it." I whispered, almost crying.

"Yes, I did...but it was all worth it, every minute!" he soothed, rubbing my hand, "even if it were only for you."

Tears did fall then.

"I am so ashamed. All this time I'd be told the story, but I never appreciated it - you. What you did...you're the reason I can go to Papa right now and just ask her to forgive me, and work on my garden together. You did that. I took advantage of it and did bad things. I am so, so sorry. I can't express how grateful I am for what you did - but can you ever forgive me? For giving you a reason to do it?" I pleaded, regret burning inside of me.

I really couldn't imagine the pain he went through, and honestly, I didn't really want to.

Jesus breathed out, touched, and now sat up, to face me.

I did the same.

"I do forgive you. You are the reason - along with every other human - that I went through so much...but you are also the reason I found the purest of all joys in doing it. To see you reconcile with Papa - well, all of us if you begin to understand the trinity - it really, really makes it worth it. Can I forgive you? Of course I can! I love you, Luna! And I know that from now on, you'll live your life knowing the gift that I have given. I love you so much!" he exclaimed, pulling me into a fierce hug.

I was weeping without a care now, and buried my head in his chest.

"I love you too!" I choked.

And you know what?

I truly, truly meant it - from the bottom of my soul.

For many moments, we stayed frozen in that cuddle.

Soul on soul did we embrace, and nothing in the entire universe could describe the joy I felt.

"Thank you for saving me." I whispered, smiling at myself as I noted it was the second time that day I had thanked him like that, but how different the reasons were. I had thanked him for saving my body earlier, but now, I was thanking him for saving my very soul.

"You are very, very welcome." Jesus soothed, rubbing my back to calm me.

When my tears had finally dried, I gently pushed myself away, but I didn't let go of Jesus's hand.

"I promise I'm going to live my life better!" I swore.

Jesus squeezed my hand.

"I know you will. But now that we have together dealt with your shame and sins, how about we deal with your pain and anger?" he suggested.

My heart started hammering again, but I nodded.

Though I was a scared, I saw that it needed to be done. Besides, Jesus had been amazing enough to die for me, and forgive me for my sins, and since he and Papa and Sarayu were all God, then who on Earth was I to not forgive them? Not to mention they didn't actually cause my pain...they just didn't stop it - but that is where my anger lay, and so that battle, together we'd slay.

I grinned, and Jesus did at the same time.

"Yes, the poetry skill is a gift, you're welcome." he laughed.

I snorted, and together, we rose, and went to find Papa.


	7. Why?

Papa was in the kitchen, and grinned when she saw Jesus and I walk in, hand in hand.

"Ok honey, before anything, I think it's important that you eat and drink with us. You don't realise it, because we've made it so you don't, but you are severely dehydrated and hungry. Come, sit at the table." she instructed.

I smiled and did as I was told.

Sarayu appeared then, and gave me a huge smile, which I returned eagerly - I had spent very little time with her but was quickly falling in love.

"Sit next to me!" she invited.

I did so, and Jesus sat on the other side of me.

When Papa served the food, she sat at the head of the table.

"Thank you." I said sincerely as I accepted the food.

"Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub." Jesus muttered, grinning.

I snorted and burst out laughing.

I remember watching "The Simpsons" where Bart said that and it had given me the giggles for ages.

Papa and Sarayu also joined in the laughter, and for many minutes, we just laughed and laughed.

At last, we calmed down and settled into a beautiful meal of fish and herbs unknown to me, but delicious.

"This is really good!" I praised.

"Why thank you honey." Papa smiled, enjoying my happiness.

It really was good too, and I fell silent as I realise the enormity of what was happening.

God had literally cooked me food, and we were sitting eating together. I had made my peace with Jesus, started to understand Sarayu, and I was going to clear the air with Papa.

It was very overwhelming, and it humbled me greatly.

I looked up and saw the three of them smiling gently - they of course knew how I was feeling.

I smiled and shook it off.

"Soooooo ... Papa?" I started.

"Yes honey?"

"Uhh...what came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Everyone burst out laughing again, and in just a few moments, tears were rolling down my cheeks just from the laughter.

Papa sighed out.

"The egg." she winked.

I snorted again and we happily finished our meal together.

When were finished, we simply sat quietly, letting it digest.

Jesus sighed.

"Well, I'm going into the shed to finish my project - Sarayu, would you like to join me?" he asked, eyes sparkling.

"I'd love to." she nodded, rising to her feet.

"Oh, that was so tactful." I stated playfully.

Jesus snorted, and they left together, leaving Papa and I to talk.

"Come help me do the dishes." Papa told me gently.

I nodded and did as I was told.

"I'll wash, you dry?" she asked.

I nodded, grabbing the towel.

"I love this, you know." Papa stated as she began washing the plates and handing me them.

"What?" I asked softly.

"Cleaning things right up and then handing them over, good as new." she smiled.

"Like lives, or souls?" I dared, very soft.

"Exactly. I love that very much." Papa nodded kindly.

"Does it not annoy you that no matter how many times the - the er...plates...get cleaned, they're just gonna get used again and come back maybe even dirtier?" I asked, feeling very timid now.

"No child - it would be lovely if the plates stayed clean, but then how could I find joy in cleaning?" she asked me in return.

"Is that joy worth it though? Would it not be easier if you just...stopped it getting dirty in the first place?" I muttered, heart hammering.

Papa stopped for a moment, thinking about how to answer.

"Luna. It would be very easy to just force my will on anyone or anything. But then their would be no freedom, and I will have failed. I am love, and everything that love is. To force my will is exactly what love does not do, so I cannot force it, because it literally isn't who I am. I know how badly hurt you are about Kaylie and that bear, and Lex. I heard you loud and clear when you prayed, but I couldn't force that bear to go away." she explained very gently.

I shook my head, anger flaring up fiercely.

"You didn't have to!" I snapped, barely keeping any respect in my voice, "But you could have done anything else - you could have stopped Kaylie from feeling any pain...you could have even brought her back to life if you wanted, but you left her like a piece of meat!" I now spat, pointing at Papa accusingly.

"You're right." she nodded calmly. showing no anger at my lack of respect at all - in fact, she looked quite sad.

"Then why didn't you!?" I barked, needing to know.

"Luna...would that have been fair?" she asked.

"Fair!?" I choked, stunned, "Was it fair on Kaylie to be mauled by that bear? To go through all that pain? By an animal that shouldn't have even been in England!" I threw back, eyes threatening to water, and a lump forming at the thought of my poor little Kaylie.

"What if I had have saved her? Would it have been fair on all the other people and children hurt or killed in other ways? Before their time?" Papa asked.

"Then stop it all!" I croaked.

"Baby I can't - there can be no good without bad - let's say I did save them all. There would be hundreds of thousands more people on Earth, all of them possible reproducing into millions more...could you imagine the overcrowding? The food and water shortage? I know it hurts baby, and I'm so sorry - but when a person dies, they do go to Heaven - they're safe, happy and pain free. That's where Kaylie is now - she misses you and everyone else, but she'll see you all again when you fall asleep in this world. I really do know it hurts baby, and I really am sorry - can you forgive me?"

I couldn't stop myself now and burst into tears.

Sniffling, I only just saw Papa open her arms, and like a child, I sank into them.

"I could't protect her!" I croaked.

Papa rubbed my back.

"Let it all out honey." she whispered.

And I did.

I wept and wept and wept.

"I tried!" I pleaded, "I tried but I couldn't get to her, I'm sorry!"

Papa held me even tighter.

"It's not your fault."

But I was oblivious.

"I'm so sorry!" I repeated, now hysterical.

The tears just wouldn't stop as I thought about Kaylie and the pain she went through - the fear. I thought about our family and the grief they were still yet to feel the bite of. I thought of Lex and the brave sacrifice he had made.

"Oh God it hurts!" I whimpered.

"I know it does honey, I know." Papa soothed.

It was a beautiful moment in all honesty, and deeply, deeply spiritual.

My tears at long last dried, and as I thought, I realised that Papa was telling me the truth.

"Papa?" I whispered gently.

"Yes Luna?"

"It hurts - more than I can ever say...but - but you're right. Look...you - you forgave me for my sins...and I forgive you too - even though you didn't do anything wrong really...does that make sense?" I struggled.

"It makes perfect sense honey - and thank you." Papa smiled back sincerely.

I sighed.

"Papa, this is so hard because of how much it hurts - but, I want to fully accept you in my life right now, this second..."

In half a second, I got down on my knees, still holding her hands.

"You are God, and I want to feel you with me every second of my life, and after. I want to know that you are there, in all my joys and all my heartaches. When I see my family again and tell them about Kaylie...and at her funeral...and I don't ever want my garden to be as dark and ugly as it was...and I know it won't with you as the gardener."

I breathed out and Papa squeezed my hand to give me the strength to continue.

"Papa...I really do love you, more than anything, and this has been the biggest honour of my life, being here with you and Sarayu and Jesus. You have helped heal my pain and helped me understand you more. Thank you for forgiving my anger and understanding - and I'm sorry I ever doubted you. Please...can we start fresh right now, this moment?" I asked, voice shaky and full of emotion, but 100% genuine and unafraid.

Papa pulled me gently back to my feet.

"That sounds amazing to me." she nodded, letting a few tears fall herself.

I embraced her again, amazed at the love I felt for her.

We held each other for a little while before breaking, still full of smiles.

"Come child," she invited, taking my hand, "let us look at your garden now."

I already knew it would look different, because I felt so different inside. I felt lighter, not weighed down by anger or even sin. The river of tears would still be there, but they would be calm. The ugly place where my sins and anger were would be gone.

I was right.

Stepping into the bright light, I was overwhelmed by beauty and warmth.

Everywhere I looked, there was just colour - all kinds of colours, some that I had never even seen before.

Jesus and Sarayu were waiting for us.

I breathed out, and took their hands, Papa holding my back.

"I now have all three of you, right here in my soul - and I don't ever want you to leave!" I informed them, gently but passionately at the same time.

"We never will." Jesus replied, pulling me in for a hug.


	8. The End

When we separated, I smiled a genuine smile, and realised I no longer felt awkward or worried. I just felt happy.

"So what happens now?" I asked gently.

Papa held my shoulder.

"You go home to your family. I will put you back where Jesus found you, so you will be in pain...but even though you can't see us, we're going to be right there with you baby." she answered soothingly.

I nodded, mentally preparing myself.

"It'll not be as bad as what you deliberately went through." I pointed out softly, aiming towards Jesus.

"It was worth it." he repeated, taking my hand reasuringly.

I nodded.

"Ok, I'm ready."

Papa, Jesus and Sarayu each hugged me tight, and in all honesty, I wish it would never end.

But, it had to.

The held hands and nodded.

Slowly, everything around me melted, and the colours disappeared into white, nothingness.

Once the nausea wore off, I realised the white nothingness was snow, and pain surged through me violently.

I groaned, tears coming.

I breathed heavily to control myself and the pain, and finally looked around.

Everything was the same.

Their was silence around me, and Kaylie's body was where she had been before.

I bowed my head and sighed out sadly.

"You're in heaven." I whispered.

Suddenly, I heard a jeep coming.

"Hey!" I shouted, waving my arms frantically.

The driver saw me and stopped immediately, jumping out and rushing to me.

"What happened!?" they asked, one of them running to check on Kaylie.

"There was bear - I don't know where it came from but it attacked us, and it...it got Kaylie...and my dog tried fighting it and the bear chased him." I bombarded them.

The man checking on Kaylie had the police and ambulance on the phone, and was telling them to get animal control involved, relaying my story to them.

Withing 10 minutes, the place was swarming the police, forensics, ambulance, animal control and even reporters.

But I was in no mood for all the hassle and questions, and the reporters were shooed away by the paramedics - something I was most grateful for.

"My family need to know about Kaylie, bless her soul, but they shouldn't be finding out on telly!" I sniffed to her.

"You're absolutely right sweetheart!" she agreed, tending to my wounds.

I sighed, and letting my head fall into the pillow, I fell into a deep sleep.

When I woke up, my mother and aunty and cousins and sisters were already there.

It took a few seconds processing, but I quickly searched for the face of my cousin Jewel.

I grabbed her hand and immediately started crying.

"I'm so sorry!" I choked.

She burst into tears too and enveloped me into a fierce hug.

"It's not your fault, the police told me everything." she croaked through her tears, "and they said based on your injuries and the injuries found on Kaylie, it was clear that you tried your hardest to protect her."

A wave of emotion hit me again, and in silence, we wept together, and the rest of the family, for the loss of our youngest member.

"We'll get through this together." I informed her.

She nodded back, and in the following weeks, we did just that -

My legs healed miraculously quickly - it turned out the bear had escaped from a zoo about 20 miles away and was caught - the police said no further investigation was needed as Kaylie's death had clearly been the result of the bear attack, and we were able to bury her.

The funeral was beautiful, and we dressed her in her favourite blue dress that Elsa wore on "Frozen" - her favourite movie.

During the service, I said a poem for my little goddaughter.

"Oh little Kaylie, small and free,

You'd been my Goddaughter,

Since the tender age of three,

For two whole years,

We bonded so strong,

And every day that passes,

It hurts me that you're gone -

But I know deep down,

Sure in my heart,

That you are now in Heaven,

And never will depart -

You're with God now,

Always safe from harm,

You're talking to the Angels,

Giving them all your charm...

I need you to know,

That you are loved and missed,

By all of us on Earth,

All that you have kissed -

One last thing, sweet Kaylie,

One prayer to God, you see? -

Please hold her close to you,

And tell her it's from me..."

I sniffed, and looked up to find there wasn't a dry eye in the whole church.

Crying, I turned towards her coffin, and placed a deep purple flower - purple was her favourite colour.

"We will see each other again." I whispered softly.

With that, I slowly walked out of the church, gently touching my family on their shoulders as I passed.

I had watched her die, and I had said goodbye, but I couldn't see her buried - it was too much for me.

Instead, I made my way to the peer - it was only a short walk away.

I smiled to myself as I walked to the edge and knelt down.

"You know, I feel really close to you here." I started, thinking of sitting on the peer with Jesus.

"These past few weeks have been really hard, and today especially, saying goodbye to Kaylie. But I know that you've been there with me, every second. And I know that Kaylie is with you, right now. I meant that prayer sincerely - I need her to know that even though she's not here anymore, she's still very loved by us, and I know you'll hold her close for me, until I can do it myself."

I sighed, emotional but happy in the knowledge that God really was real and was listening to every word I said - knowing that Jesus was standing right there with me.

"You have given me everything - freedom from punishment for my sins, forgiveness for my anger, understanding of your nature, and just the knowledge that you are for a fact, real. But, I can't help but ask for one more thing...I still don't know for a fact what happened to Lex. I just need closure - please...even in a dream...please could you tell me what happened to him? If he did die, I need to know so I can have closer on him too." I whispered, tears coming again.

I bowed my head, almost in an effort to show how sincere I was trying to be.

Around me, I felt a very gently breeze blow, and could almost feel a hand squeeze my shoulder.

My heart beat faster, and I felt a little overwhelmed - after all, it was a highly religious experience, and I was only human.

I breathed out, just enjoying the moment...and suddenly, I heard a bark.

My eyes shot open and my head snapped round to look behind me.

I actually squeeled with pure bliss.

"LEX!" I screamed, opening my arms wide for him.

He bounded into me, yapping and barking and licking my face and scratching me to death, not that I cared!

"Oh you're alive, hello baby!" I choked, now bawling with happiness and relief.

He was a whole lot skinnier and dirty, with a couple of scars on him from the fight, but Lex was indeed alive and well, and he was here with me!

He had survived!

I hugged him tightly and found he was shaking.

"Ssssshhh, it's ok son, I'm here!" I soothed, gently rocking him.

He whined and whimpered softly, and licked my tears.

"I love you too!" I whispered.

Then I looked up at the sky.

"And I love you! THANK YOU!" I laughed - and I meant it with all my heart and being.

Together, Lex and I walked back to the church, where everyone was delighted to see him alive - he was as much a part of our family as we everyone else - this beautifully selfless animal who had saved my life and tried his damnest to save Kaylie.

When he sniffed the coffin, Lex fell silent and sat, still as a statue, before letting out a solemn howl.

"Animals know." My mother said wisely.

I couldn't agree more.

Lex was seen by a vet who gave him the all clear - she gave me wormers and flea treatment just incase, and a diet plan to help him get back into shape - the poor thing had lost almost a stone - an awful lot of weight considering his healthy weight was 2 and a half stone.

When I got home that night, I was exhausted, physically and emotonally.

I threw my pyjamas on and gave Lex a well needed meal and a bowl of clean water.

I crawled into bed, and he immediately jumped up and cuddles into me - sighing from relief after what was no doubt a very, very tough few weeks for him.

My heart swelled with emotion again and I cuddled him back, grinning as his tail wagged peacefully.

"Thank you." I repeated, and with that I fell into the first happy sleep I had had in a very long time.

The End.


End file.
